Ten Preparations Before Dating

Avoiding dating violence begins before a date. Dating is the process of finding someone with whom you share mutually beneficial compatibility. An objective of an intimate relationship is to find happiness with a partner that leads to a more joyful life. “Settling” is not truthful compatibility, nor does it provide mutual happiness for either partner. Worse, dating an abusive person can be dangerous and result in sexual assault, long-term abuse, and/or stalking when trying to end an abusive relationship.

Education and self-definition can provide recognition of danger to prevent dating violence. There are no absolute rules that conclusively and immediately identify potential date rapists or avoid involvement in abusive relationships.
As part of Model Mugging’s series about preventing dating violence, the following ten preparations can assist women of all ages. Techniques for how to prevent teenage dating violence may also be applied to women who may have ended a long-term relationship, divorced, or widowed.

older women have also been victimized by “date” rapists.

These techniques are written from the perspective of female prevention against a male perpetrator of interpersonal violence. However, preventing sexual assault and abuse within homosexual dating situations may apply similarly. Men, too, can use many of these dating preparations to avoid better getting involved with females with abusive personalities.

How to Prepare Before Date

1. Develop your self-definition before to dating.
2. Know your boundaries and limitations prior to dating.
3. Set firm ground rules.
4. Assess your perception of power.
5. Avoid Pity Dates.
6. Let someone else know about your plans and destination.
7. Select a safe meeting location.
8. Devise a contingency plan to get home.
9. Take responsibility for your safety.
10. If you feel uncomfortable, do not accept the date.

1. Develop your self-definition before dating.
When you have an identified self-definition and recognizable boundaries, you can better navigate and avoid being involved with manipulative and abusive individuals. Unfortunately, someone who has been victimized by an abusive relationship and/or date is more likely to acknowledge the worthwhile effort of assessing these precautionary techniques.

Self-definition is the process of establishing tangibly and understandable boundaries. There are several steps involved in developing a clear definition of dating. This will include learning your boundaries, setting firm ground rules, and assessing power in a relationship.

Relationships are about the joy of giving and the comfort of receiving. There is a balance, and when one person takes more than they give, conflict arises. Every relationship is different and must be defined by both partners.

Dating often evolves from a sexual dynamic that is usually at the forefront of interaction for both participants. Date rapists are sexual predators who focus on the sexual dynamic rather than the relationship. They use dating as a social context from which to isolate their victims. Abusive intimate partners use dating as a means of hunting for a victim to satisfy specific deficiencies in their personality, which too may involve sexual assault, among other forms of victimization.

Though individual emotions and goals constantly change, studying acquaintance rapists and abusive intimate partner behavior patterns helps discern the common characteristics of most abusers. Most abusers eventually show their true colors. Working on your self-definition and dating boundaries can better offer protection from abusive personalities.

Your self-definition creates a picture of what you want in a relationship. Your picture is likely to change as you develop life experiences and meet different people. When it does change, the change should feel right, safe, and mutually expressed. Avoiding dating violence begins with first recognizing your definition of compatibility.

2.  Know your boundaries and limitations prior to dating.
Write down the characteristics that you prefer in a partner. Writing down your expectations is a powerful exercise that helps define your preferences and makes them more concrete. Without defined expectations, your desires and expectations are likely to become emotionally elusive, making you vulnerable. Knowing that no one is perfect, the expectations or descriptions you define can help you recognize the qualities you find attractive and compatible with someone.

Naturally, predators look for and can quickly recognize weaknesses in others, so acknowledging your vulnerabilities allows you to identify better if someone is targeting you for harmful purposes. List your limitations and vulnerabilities separately. For example, some traits listed in italics may be used to lure you into psychologically into a predators web:

• Loneliness and a lack self-confidence allows an abusive personality to toy with your emotions like a yo-yo building up your self-doubt only to tear you back down.
• Trauma survivors often come from a family involving abusive dynamics, which creates a simultaneous dislike and comfort in conflict.
• Abandonment fears, or need for attachment, make it difficult to break off a relationship despite its abusiveness.
• Have difficulty saying no or fear of embarrassment, which allows the predator to victimize or use you sexually.
• Critical, condescending, or negative attitudes can push people away from you.
• Argumentative and need to be right can escalate conflict and abusive tendencies.
• Prone to depression or anxiety reduces assertiveness.
• Aggressive behavior or impatience can increase conflict and stress within relationships.
• Prone to addictions is a road map to all types of self-destructive behaviors while allowing a predator and abusive personality to abuse you.

Introspect why you feel these limitations or vulnerabilities should be assessed. Failure to determine the negative impact of these traits may make you vulnerable to manipulation and intimate partner violence.

If you have low self-esteem and are a survivor of trauma and abuse, especially during childhood, it may be good to seek counseling from a qualified therapist. Having someone with whom you can share your feelings and bounce ideas off someone else may help guide you to better decision-making, especially when dating. Working through your traumatic experiences becomes essential before you can realistically provide healthy companionship to others. Navigating it alone can result in emotional distortion, which can be dangerous. If you have not dealt with how traumatic events have affected, you can escalate the risk of vulnerability from predators.

The help of counselors or other confidants may point out things that you do not want to hear. You must be open to contrary feedback about your date or issues they may see. You may not like hearing it, but family and friends may recognize your date’s unfavorable characteristics before you do. They may help you avoid making a long-term miserable mistake. Listening can be difficult and emotionally painful.

Distinguishing your comfort zone(s) enables you to assert your boundaries more effectively. If your date respects your wishes, it prefigures well for ultimate compatibility. Develop statements to say if a situation makes you feel uncomfortable. Poor or indecisive communication often leads to a path of dating violence when comfort zones are not established. Saying “No,” pushing his hands away but desiring him to continue is not good communication.

Identify things that you feel comfortable doing with your date.

• Do you want to be alone with this person?
• Do you kiss on the first date?
• What areas are acceptable for touching?
• Do sexual activities feel safe?

While on a date, it is natural to be sexually aroused by someone you find very attractive. It is also appropriate to refrain from making love with that person until you are emotionally and physically prepared. It is NOT obligatory for you to acquiesce if your date pressures you for sex; especially if he makes you feel guilty for “rejecting him.” If he loses interest, because you wish to abstain, by abstaining you are probably avoiding future coercion and possible emotional or physical pain.

Your boundaries will change depending on whom you date, what you do, where you go, and how your feelings evolve. Similarly, neither are relationships static, so altering boundaries within relationships is also a normal occurrence. Sometimes, the natural biological drive conflicts with rational assessments, goals, family responsibilities, financial conditions, or moral values. A decision to engage in sexual activity should be a mutual decision that is communicated with respect and appreciation of one another. It should not be impulsive, based upon physical arousal, fear, hesitation, or apprehension, and especially not coercion or physical force.

3.  Set firm ground rules.
You cannot control others, especially narcissistic, selfish, manipulative, and ruthless people. The establishment of ground rules is intended for you, not him. Writing down your ground rules helps clarify what is permissible and builds a foundation for self-confidence within your interpersonal relationships and social interactions. Solidifying what is comfortable for you also facilitates quicker recognition when someone infringes upon your established boundaries, which are also your ground rules. Be alert for signs signaling that someone is violating your ground rules.

• When you feel uncomfortable, you have a reference point to judge whether you are veering away from your goals, needs, and wants. Listen closely to the answers to your assessment of discomfort. If you find a contradiction from your stated list, dig deeper to evaluate whether the contrast is healthy. Sometimes, adjusting established habits and perspective is good, but if you feel you are negatively compromising yourself, stay true to your goals, needs, desires, and boundaries. Periodically review your list of expectations.
• Make a list of behaviors that you will not tolerate in others. Review the list often. What can you (reasonably) do if another person confronts you with unacceptable behavior? If you are verbally abused, will you walk away? If you are beaten, what are your options? Can you immediately terminate the relationship, or are you frightened of retaliation?
• Do not make quick decisions based solely on emotion. Try waiting three days, especially if the outcome may have a significantly negative impact on your life. Compose a column of pros and cons, which can create more clarity in defining a situation.

4.  Assess your perception of power.
Are you drawn to the challenge of changing your partner? If so, honestly evaluate why you are attracted to the challenge to change or “control” someone. Assess whether you are drawn toward emotionally unavailable men, hard to get, married, need help, or “fixing”. Why do you argue or excuse poor behavior as acceptable or believe you can work through it? Is it due to the excitement he represents and the danger involved, or do you believe you can fix the behavior?

Power quests may become physically, mentally, and emotionally harmful. Often, “bad-boy” attractions result in disempowering pain. The allure of the challenge or the “rush” from danger does not necessarily translate into a “powerful connection.” Are you drawn to his lack of availability because you are disparate socio-economically, the novelty of a very different culture or religious beliefs, lonely, in need of attention, or find his “fast ways” dangerous and a challenge for how much power you have to influence him?

Assess the humorous proverb, “Women may marry because they think they can change him; men may marry because they think she will never change.” Women have immense emotional influence over males’ thoughts, emotions, and actions, but setting out to change someone into the person you want him to be is unhealthy. It can have harmful consequences, such as resentment, retaliation, and disrespect. If he lacks pro-social goals or aspirations, beware! Your attraction to this type of challenge, particularly with the “bad boy,” can become a trap for a potentially abusive personality, which can lead to a miserable mistake.

5.  Avoid Pity Dates.
Dating someone out of pity, sometimes called a “pity date”, frequently leads to misinterpretation. Your friendliness may be mistaken for mutual attraction or sexual desire that may further perpetuate his potential cognitive distortions. When future dates and expectations are rebuffed, his distorted beliefs may trigger abusive tactics and stalking behaviors.

Do not give your phone number simply because you feel sorry for him; accepting or “friending” him into your social media may create other problems. Be selective. There is nothing wrong with asking for his number, and using *67 before dialing keeps your number concealed. Then, if you decide not to continue the relationship, it prevents unwanted calls and texts.

6.  Let someone else know about your plans and destination.
Before leaving on a date, let someone know where you are going and your estimated return time. If you revise your plans or the arrival time, please alert your family or friends.

If you’re with friends and don’t feel comfortable going to a new location, be vocal about your discomfort, as some of them may also feel uneasy. Some might bully or chastise you, hoping that you will change your mind. They may not want to go alone or may have malicious plans. Hold firm to your feelings, and do not concede. If these are true friends, they will honor your decision. Suppose they don’t consider making new friends. Staying out late and departing from your comfort zone increases the risk of danger and sexual assault.

7.  Select a safe meeting location.
If you do not know your date very well, it is preferable not to have dates pick you up at your home. It is safer to meet at a public location. If that is not possible, ask someone else to be at your house when he arrives and drops you off, because the presence of others usually deters assault. If your date doesn’t know where you live, it is harder for him to stalk you or to arrive uninvited at inappropriate times.

8.  Devise a contingency plan to get home.
In case the date goes poorly or you suddenly get a “creepy” feeling, have a contingency plan in place. If he is driving, ask a trusted friend to be “on call” or develop an alternate plan to get home. Having a cell phone is not a substitute for a contingency plan for safety. The battery may be depleted, you may be in an unserviceable area, or your phone may be lost, stolen, dropped, or taken from you that prevents you from using it.

Avoid relying on having him to provide your ride home. Many women are coerced into sexual activity because they are dependent upon their date for a ride home.

Some contingency considerations when going on a date or socializing:

• Arrange for emergency pickup with someone if required to gain distance from your date or if you consume alcohol or other drugs.
• Before leaving, familiarize yourself with your date’s plans and the general area where the event is planned. Ensure that you have enough money or credit card for a taxi, subway, Uber, or LYFT (separate topics for safety precautions) in case separate transportation is required to get home safely.
• If you both mutually decide to go somewhere else, consider driving separately to ensure a safe and separate method of transportation.
• Even when going out with female friends or platonic acquaintances, be prepared to leave when you want. Do not worry about waiting until others are ready to take you home. Politely express your feelings, and then deploy your contingency plan for getting home (cab, “on call” friend, or subway).
• Never accept a ride with someone with whom you are uncomfortable or feel “weird” about. Many women have reported leaving a social function with a “friend of a friend” who drove them to an isolated location and then raped them before dropping them off.
• Taking out-of-town trips complicates backup plans for returning home. Be cautious about staying with him, as a ride home is necessary. It provides him with leverage to isolate and then coerce you into sexual activities.

9.  Take responsibility for your safety.
Your safety is ultimately up to you. When engaging in amorous contact, if you do not want to be touched in specific locations, partake in sexual intercourse or other sexual activities. It is essential to communicate your boundaries to your partner clearly. For both genders, when emotions are heated, rational behavior and reasonable decisions become clouded, and impulsiveness increases.

Never trust a man to control his desires. All men have the potential to rape. However, few commit the act. Those who do are constantly seeking new victims and often assault many women. Sexual predators lack self-restraint, especially during sexual arousal. Abusive individuals often tend to displace responsibility for their behavior. They will blame their behavior on victims’ seductiveness, tantalizing teasing, alcohol consumption, suggestive clothing, or comments. They will also influence their victims to make excuses for their abhorrent behavior, such as: “I shouldn’t have worn that short dress.” “It is my fault …I should have been clearer about saying no.” Self-definition can lead to taking more assertive countermeasures to stop potential dating violence.

10.  If you feel uncomfortable, do not accept the date.
Feeling uncomfortable with someone but going out to be polite can become dangerous. Trust your intuition. No matter how flattering or persistent, the attention from a potentially abusive partner is not worth the thrill of feeling special and desired. This is a repeated theme of survivors of abusive relationships who look back, wishing they never accepted the first date. Breaking up may not be the end of the relationship, as survivors may often have to deal with stalker threats. If you do accept a date and then recognize abusive or destructive traits, immediately disengage.

However, politely declining his invitation is not always graciously received. When someone asks you out, though you have repeatedly declined, his persistence may eventually wear down your resistance. Many young women do not want to alienate or anger the male, but disregarding your intuition can lead to traumatic results.

Never accept a date simply out of politeness, and especially if pressured:

• “You think I’m not good enough for you?” (Yes, he is not good enough!)
• “You won’t go out with me because you’re racist?” (He is the racist!)
• “You do not understand my religion?“ (He does not understand the beliefs of his religion!)
• “You don’t understand me yet! My culture! What I have been through.“ (He doesn’t understand himself.)

You need only tell someone to leave you alone one time. If he does not take “no” for an answer, be firmer in your assertion. If you do give in, an overly persistent person may turn into a stalker when you decide to stop seeing him. So, do not worry about hurting his feelings. In those cases, reach out for assistance. Others can assist you in discouraging his behavior, such as members of his social circle, school officials, your employer’s human resources, and, in some cases, police involvement may be necessary.

Don’t interact with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. If you meet someone who gives you “weird vibes” and you feel uneasy, immediately create some distance. Trust that your intuition has accurately assessed the situation that has classified him into the “creepy guy” category.

If someone in your work environment pressures you to attend a non-compulsory social activity or engage in intimacy, your best defense is firm assertiveness. You may need to seek additional help from human resources, others within the company, or mutual friends to stop the harassment.

If you are at a bar, concert, club, or party and meet someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, immediately terminate the encounter. Use the excuse, “I want to talk to my friend” or assertively tell him, “I want to be left alone”, then walk away. If he doesn’t acknowledge your assertion, approach the bouncer, security guard, manager, or host for assistance. If those options are not available, attract attention to his inappropriate, harassing behavior by making “a scene.” Raise the volume of your verbal assertion and assertiveness techniques.

If you need to assert your boundaries, take additional precautions, such as avoiding eye contact, when concluding the social function or exiting a bar or nightclub. Ask a trusted man or several girlfriends to escort you to the car or wait with you until you can get into a cab. Be alert to someone following you home, which is a separate safety topic.

Do not allow unwanted intrusions into your personal life. Don’t stay in uncomfortable situations. Uncomfortable encounters have a higher likelihood of escalating his expectations perpetuated by his cognitive distortions. There is a righteous reason you are in discomfort. Listen to your intuition.

 

Preventing dating violence often requires self-confidence. The Model Mugging’s Basic Course develops confidence in women by teaching students how to set personal boundaries and de-escalate situations through positive assertion skills.

 

Safety Summary for How to Prepare Before Date

1. Develop your self-definition before dating.
2. Know your boundaries and limitations before dating.
3. Set firm ground rules.
4. Assess your perception of power.
5. Avoid Pity Dates.
6. Let someone else know about your plans and destination.
7. Select a safe meeting location.
8. Devise a contingency plan to get home.
9. Take responsibility for your safety.
10. If you feel uncomfortable, do not accept the date.

 

Future dating precautions safety times to protect against Crime within Relationships:

• Safe dating Communication
• Safety While on a Date
• Consensual Isolation
• More dating safety tips forthcoming…

 

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